I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize