omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
he thought i was a dude.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Dicks are not precious.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
