careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
