recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize