Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Randomize
