Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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