Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We had to coat check the pizza.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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