Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
