oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
