shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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