when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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