Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
