apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
