Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Randomize
