meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
