She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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