if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
