I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Drunk is a universal language darling
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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