woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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