I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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