Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Randomize
