I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
