I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
