my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
