So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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