opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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