Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
