First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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