Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Randomize
