im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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