All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
