I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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