planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
