would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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