Yo dont text me then not text me
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
