Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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