kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
