shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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