theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
