Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
