yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize