I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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