Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
