I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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