im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
