Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
