if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
