just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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