btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
