R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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