Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
