Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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