1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
