you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
