I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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