I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
