we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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