I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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